Sep. 30th, 2005 09:14 pm
etienne_bessette: (Default)
[personal profile] etienne_bessette
Title: Silence
Fandom: X
Type: Subaru-centric
Genre: Introspection, angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Pairings: S/S.
Author's Notes/Summary: I am NOT happy with this. But at the point when I finally found a finishing sentence and realized that I was getting annoyed with the whole thing, I figured the best thing for me to do would be to post it before I mutilated it even more. *twitch* There's no real plot, just loosly tied fragments of introspection that I tried to mould into a decent fic with the theme of silence.

I really need help with this one.

: Author's Notes: The hardest part about critiquing this, I think is going to be the fact that it's so fragmented. There's no real plot, and there's plenty of imagery. I almost wonder if the imagery is too thick in places. O_o;; And, of course, it's Subaru-centric, so I need lots of help by default there. Please, please, please, if you read this, I would very much appreciate constructive criticism.

I do not like this fic. Let that just stand for the moment. I'm far too sick and frustrated with it right now to like it. Probably for a good reason, too.

Silence --Feye Morgan

The act of breaking a glass cup is an act of possession and of power--a display of destruction in a might all the destoyer's own. But the act is fleeting, and in the end, flawed. For the pieces of the shattered cup scatter far on smooth, darkened floors, and in the unlit apartment of a killer's heart there is no reclaiming them. The fragmented pieces, should he try and glue them back together, will never be what he owned before.

He's patched himself back together, piece against cold, jagged piece, and the holes are visible and painful to the touch.

Subaru does not belong wholly to Seishirou.

Subaru wonders if Seishirou knows this.

He doesn't think that Seishirou cares.

There is no such thing as silence. The moment every other noise ceases and the thickness of the air collapses inward, it presses against his eardrums and sets them humming--a machine in a cold, sterile room counting out his heartbeats.

The only silence is in death.

Sometimes when he smokes he catches a glimpse of himself in a shop window. His reflection is pasted with the outline of his good eye hovering over a golden icon on a white t-shirt, and the green fades away, overtaken by the metallic colour, and Subaru looks into an image not himself.

He sees who he is trying to become. He wonders, sometimes, if he's made the right choice. He wonders if in becoming him, he can understand him, or even if he can become him at all.

He doesn't truly wish for the silence. What he really wants is for Seishirou to see him, to touch him, to decide that he exists and is precious like every other soul he takes beneath his scythe is precious.

Subaru has been alone for too long to want true silence. It will be an emptiness from within so dry and vast that the humming in his ears now would be fruit to a man in winter.

He would bear it, knowing that for an instant he had truly belonged to Seishirou.

He wants that intimacy more than he fears any silence.

In the solitude of his bedroom at night, he reads. The small lamp at his side casts a yellow glow on the crisp pages of his book. The silence of his apartment is broken only by his breathing and by the clip of pages turning. It is enough not to hear the humming in his ears.

He reads science fiction--one of his few secret indulgences. Jules Verne is his favourite. He finds a guilty delight in the naive and childish practicality of the heros, their obvious and infallible science. The tales are wild enough to pull him away from his bleak existence and into a sky full of planets and dust but earthy enough still to make him believe. He needs it--he can't be strong forever without something to break free to. Otherwise the ceiling, dripping with darkness, will keep him awake with tales of how alone he is.

Reality will always be there when he returns anyway.

On the nights when he doesn't read he lies with his back to the window and stares at the patch of darkness at the far edge of the room that is the door. Shadows bruise from exhaustion in footsteps over his vision, but he does not sleep until he feels another's touch slide about his waist and pull him backwards, close into a familiar body. The silence is muffled by another person's breathing.

He wonders if Verne's heros ever felt like this. He wonders if they were human, too, if behind the paper and print and science they were glass cups just as he is.

It doesn't matter.

It is moments like this, with the shadows on his eyes and breath on his shoulder, that he feels the most alone. Seishirou sleeps behind him and holds him, and the pressure of his opposite's hand on his solar plexus warms his insides, but the warmth doesn't reach his soul. He is trapped. He is lost.

He doesn't know how to get closer to Seishirou than this, but even this seems to bring him further from his wish. Seishirou doesn't see him. The golden eye could be frozen in space for all the life it holds, even when Seishirou presses him down and hushes him.

Seishirou's silence is the most terrifying noise in the world.

Subaru doesn't see the confusion and wonder flicker between the gold iris and black pupil. He's always asleep before then. He never knows how near he's really gotten, how deep he's really touched.

In the end, the silence he will find will be his own. Sitting on a rooftop dressed in black and watching another spirit shield wither and flake away like a glass cup melting into sand, he will not hear the screams. He will not hear the wind. He will not hear the splintering ground as yet another dragon rips through concrete and bone. He will not hear the Tree screaming in his head. He will not even hear the sound of his own heart.

Instead he will watch as the world slowly ends and wonder what the final silence will be like.

Date: 2005-10-01 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I *did* like this. Why don't you?

Date: 2005-10-01 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Maybe it's because I've been staring at it for too long. @_@ I think it's...too forced? Too much imagery? I'm also worried that it doesn't capture Subaru very well. And I don't think the ending resolves itself very well, either. -_- Or am I just imagining these things? I'm glad you liked it, though. ^_^ At least someone enjoyed it. If you have any critiques, please let me know.

What anime is your icon from, by the way? It has me intrigued.

Date: 2005-10-01 06:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*nods* Staring at something for a long time means that you're *never* satisfied with it.

My icon is actually a manip from a Western comic: Nightwing 82. raven_kerry made it for me.
The characters are Dick Grayson, aka Nightwing aka Robin I, and Slade Wilson, aka a mercenary/assassin called Deathstroke the Terminator. They are my two favorites ever and I utterly adore them.

Date: 2005-10-02 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've never heard of that comic, actually. O_o It sounds pretty good from the snippet you've given me. Maybe I'll look it up. ^_^

Date: 2005-10-01 07:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Huh, I never read a piece quite like this. And actually, I really enjoyed it. You showed depth in Subaru’s character (which I hardly ever see), and I liked how you represented it in such a subtle way: through some of the things he does in his free time. That alone says quite a lot. Also, I really liked the ending paragraph. It flowed together so nicely, and just sort of fit the bill. So sorry, but I must disagree because I think this is a nice, poetic piece of work. ^^ Also, the length seems just right. I didn’t get a forced vibe or anything: it appears to be rather complete in my opinion. Um, I’m trying to think of some constructive criticism... but in truth, I can’t come up with anything vital. I rather enjoy stories that have little flashes of imagery here and there, so this was a very nice read.

Date: 2005-10-02 07:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, I'm glad you liked it at least. Staring at it for too long undoubtedly had a lot to do with my hatred of the piece. Mostly I'm concerned with the characterization of Subaru, and I'm glad you think I did all right. *crosses fingers* Hopefully I can keep on this track. *hugs* Thanks for commenting, Amber!

Date: 2005-10-02 10:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Sure thing. ^^ And I know what you mean about how staring at something too long/intensely can make you want to... kill it. But yes, I think you portrayed Subaru very accurately here. Can't wait for the next one. :D

Date: 2005-10-01 10:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hrm. I actually liked many parts of it, but yes. It does feel broken, though that may be appropriate for this fic. Many of the parts feel as if they could stand alone like drabbles. So I can see why you might really not be thrilled with this. But I did enjoy each part as I went through it :3

Your X!Subaru is tons better and feels like a quiet and tragic person. The entire theme of silence is very interesting and I think I liked that best in this. The little detail you created for him - his enjoyment of Vernes - was rather nice as well. I say continue to give him depth and play with him more often. It looks good so far :D

Date: 2005-10-02 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, you see what I mean. :/ Although I'm relieved that you liked the parts. I probably should have mulled over them a bit more and seen if I could tie them together better, but I was just so sick of looking at it. Putting it away didn't help so...^^; Out here it went.

I'm so glad to hear that my XSubaru is better. I will definitely keep playing with him. I'm going to go for a story next with more plot and less imagery next time, so I'll have to watch myself even more. O_o *acks*

Do you think I should just leave this piece as it is? Or are there any parts that bug you at all?

Date: 2005-10-02 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hee! Well, you got some good feedback on it, I think, so it did its job?

Imagery is good but, yes, balance and working with all of it really helps ^.~ Good luck!

No part bugged me greatly, so changing it might not be needed. Just use it as an another step to move above? :3

Date: 2005-10-01 05:45 pm (UTC)
akk: AKK - Schriftzug aus Blitzen (Default)
From: [personal profile] akk
This is a fascinating, yet slightly disturbing introspection of X-Subaru's mindset (or what is left of that).
I wouldn't want to miss it.
I esp. like the detail that he doesn't try to figure out in words the "last silence" beyond but merely wonders about it.
(I know this sounds clumsy, but I somehow can't come up with a better description.)

Date: 2005-10-02 07:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. ^_^ Glad you liked it. I'm glad I didn't toss it in the trash can, then.

I really wasn't sure about that last line. I'd tried about five of them before I just gave up and stuck this one down. I thought maybe it might seem incomplete, or perhaps something Sakurazukamori!Subaru wouldn't think, but, then...I'm glad it worked after all. And don't worry, I know what you mean. ^_^

Thanks for commenting. If you have any criticism, especially on Subaru's character, please, please let me know.

Date: 2005-10-02 07:45 pm (UTC)
akk: AKK - Schriftzug aus Blitzen (Default)
From: [personal profile] akk
I'm maybe not the best address to ask for character criticism, at least not yet. I'm very new to the fandom myself - 36° is the first large story I'm writing in it and I still have a hard time figuring out the characters correctly.
If something odd strikes me, I'll let you know of course. :)

Date: 2005-10-08 04:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is sort of a general comment, as I am unfortunately passing through at the moment, and haven't had time for more than a glance. But I like what I've read so far, so would it be okay if I friended this journal? ♥

Date: 2005-10-08 09:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First of all...*cackles at your icon* That's just great. The stockings are priceless.

And sure! I'd be flattered if you did, quite honestly. I keep this ficblog up for self-improvement purposes, so I'd love having more people around to give me criticism and input. Or just reading what I write at all. I don't mind in the least. ^_^ Thank you!

Date: 2005-10-08 09:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks ^^

And yay! I shall friend you directly.


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Etienne Bessette

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